I have so many things I'm obsessed about...and it's really making me tired.

I decided, however, that I hate my job more than anything, and I really can't be stuck in an office with my mom all day. Moreover, I can't be stuck inside all day. My ideal job would be out painting landscapes....that is if I could paint well. Hmm.

I wish I was more creative. I wish I could write better, or draw or paint or something. But I'm the same old useless blob of shit. 20 years old and nothing to show for it. I know I have plenty of time, I just know so many other people who are my age (some even younger) who are far more successful/talented than me. My boyfriend just started up a new musical project with his friend, and I've never said it about a local band before, but they are freaking amazing. They could really make it. I'm soooooo jealous. I don't want to be in the background of something that amazing, I want to be a huge part of it. He has this amazing thing that he can channel all of his frustrations from work into, and all I have is this livejournal and my ED, and thats about it.

I'm giving piano another shot, hopefully that will take me somewhere.....

So freaking cold. Why do my co workers gotta crank the A/C?????

How'd you like to be alone and drowning?

So yesterday I was made fun of throughout the day at work. Anorexic jokes of course. And, I'm sure their arrogant little minds were thinking the whole time,"Oh she couldn't possibly be offended, shes not underweight...she couldn't have an eating disorder!"

This whole bit got me thinking.

I have always been able to trace back my irrational thoughts with food down to a single incident that happened to me when I was a very impressionable 12 year old. A boy that sat across from me in science class called me a "fat cow" just about every day, and would laugh about it with his buddies around him. I never stood up for myself, and no one else around us told him to stop. So I assumed they were in agreement. Perhaps I WAS a fat cow. Perhaps 12 year old boys are little shits and should be punched in the face for making a girl feel so terrible about herself. Either way, I didn't want to be a fat cow, no way, no how.

Fast forward eight years. I'm constantly playing the game of "How Low Can You Go" and fluctuating from almost where I want to be to waaaay far away from where I want to be. I'm in the process of working my way back down to where I want to be, and I'm getting to the point where I feel good about my progress. All up until today when the 30 year old version of the shitty ass kid in science class had to put his two cents in.

Now I'm questioning myself: Does it hurt worse to be made fun of for having an eating disorder, or being a fat cow? Now I know most of the girls that read this have an ED, and will automatically think in their heads, "Being a fat cow is soooooo much worse!" But let me ask...people that you see every day walking down the street, and you think to yourself that that it the most obese pig ever, know that that obese pig has the willpower to stop eating fatty foods, start exercising, and get to a healthy weight WITHOUT being obsessed. We, on the other hand, are thin, believe its beautiful and do everything within our power to stay that way. We show great feats of willpower by not eating for days and exercising for hours at the gym. The thing is, we will NEVER get what we want. The fat pig can get to a healthy weight and maintain. We will constantly need more.

TRUE WILLPOWER IS BEING ABLE TO CONTROL YOUR MIND!
And if you can't stop obsessing, you have no willpower at all.

[end rant, but i'm curious of your response]

has anyone gone to a restaurant, added up the cals (roughly) in your head, then found the nutritional information and found you were SOOOO wrong? Like really underestimated the cals to the point you feel gross?

I freaking hate this.

Are they TRYING to make us fat? Who makes the meals that end up being 1500 cals????

I'm watching my own destruction, and in a morbid way, but totally normal to me, i'm enjoying every minute of it.

Thoughts keep creeping into my mind.

"just think of the clothes you'll be able to wear"
and
"imagine the look on their faces when they see how strong willed you are, and how pretty you've made yourself become!"

and one, important one, keeps me up at night, the idea that I am so strong, but so weak.....how did I let myself get this way?

Another day gone, another pound shed.

So, i created a seperate livejournal solely for me to vent my frustrations. I hate when friends and family freak out on me. I put on a ton of weight after I started birth control and I'm dying to have the body I once had, but my friends, family and boyfriend think that I look "fine" and that I look like I'm finally healthy. I just want to be the way I once was, the dancer body....feeling fat at 105...now I'm 125.....



FUCK!!!